Are you wondering what you are doing wrong? Do you feel like you will never meet the right partner? Or do you constantly attract the ‘wrong’ type of partner? Here are ten fundamental ‘rules’ (and one extra take-it-or-leave-it rule) for attracting the person you really want into your life!
Rule 1: Start to believe it is possible!
You get what you believe. I don’t mean that if you believe in a fairy princess or a knight in shining armour one will suddenly appear on your doorstep! Unrealistic beliefs are one thing (see Rule 7), but negative beliefs are a sure way to make it impossible to be happy in a relationship.
Think of it this way – we tend to act according to our beliefs. If you believe there is ‘nobody out there’, you won’t go out there and meet anybody! If you believe all men are bastards, or all women are bitches, then that is what you will see and find. That is how the brain works. We simply see what we want to see!
Begin to believe that there are hundreds of honest, loving people out there, and you will begin to find them, you will actively notice them and move away from the rest. You don’t need to meet hundreds of potential mates, though, you only need to meet one!
Rule 2: Become the type person you are looking for.
The best way to attract the lover, partner and best friend into your life is to be the person you are wishing for. Be honest, caring, confident, charming, etc. We tend to attract people who are like us, and we tend to gravitate towards people we feel similar to. This follows on to Rule 1. If you feel you are unattractive, you will not even contemplate that an attractive person would want to talk to you! If you feel like you are a lovely, nice person, you will also assume that lovely, nice people will want to meet you.
Rule 3: Get emotionally stable before going into a relationship.
Time and again I see like-attracting-like and people who are hurting and broken finding themselves with their ‘likeness’ – another hurt and broken person! Victims attract victims and they feed on their mutual victimhood. Co-dependence isn’t fun.
Be WHOLE yourself and then find your perfect partner. Two halves, when they join, make two halves. They don’t make a whole. Two WHOLES, however, when they join, make two perfectly joined circles. Two whole circles make a chain that is not easily broken.
Rule 4: Love and Respect Yourself!
Work on your confidence, inner security and self-esteem. It is not your partner’s job to make you feel good about yourself. You should feel good about yourself already, and if you don’t it is still your responsibility, not theirs. Get help with confidence issues.
However you live your life, and whatever your own values and morals, they are entirely your choice – just make sure that it is your choice and not what you feel you ‘should’ do, or ‘need’ to do to get a partner. Expecting to be treated with respect starts with self-respect.
Rule 5: Make a list of how you want to feel in a relationship.
Instead of stating ‘what’ you want e.g. ‘I want a person who looks like…..’ or ‘I want a person who is ….’ try stating how you want to ‘feel’. In other words, the ‘why’ of relationship. Why do you want a relationship? To have a good looking person on your arm? I doubt it. More than likely it is to feel loved, to feel like you belong.
For example, I may want a certain house because it looks cosy and lovely, but when I move in I may find it is cold and draughty with dreadful neighbours! Wouldn’t it make more sense to find a house that was comfortable, warm, homely, and felt good to be in? When I know how I want to feel in a home, it makes it easier to know when I may be tempted to buy one simply because it is ‘pretty’ or an ‘investment opportunity’! Likewise, when you know how you want to feel when you are around another person, it makes it much easier to say ‘no’ to taking the relationship further when they clearly make you feel insecure, out in the cold, misunderstood, or any of the other negative feelings you could add to the list!
Rule 6: Begin to feel the way you want to feel anyway!
If you want to feel loved, start to feel what that is like. When you have imagined the feeling it is easier to recognise when you are kidding yourself about how you are feeling. It is so easy, when we are attracted to somebody, to tell ourselves that we feel amazing being with them when in fact we are only feeling a high from our own hormones and chemicals raging in our body. Also, as with the above rules, you will attract what you already feel!
Affirmations are a great way to make it happen. Try some! If you find yourself going into a negative ‘but I don’t feel like that!’ frame of mind, you have work to do! Find yourself a good therapist or coach – come and see me if you are anywhere near London or Guildford! 😉
Rule 7: Get real!
A Knight in Shining armour, or a Perfect Princess is NOT going to appear on your doorstep. In fact, there is no such thing. There ARE NO FAIRY TALES. Sure, when you first fall in love your partner seems perfect (it’s just chemicals, believe me!). After a while the luminescence wears off and suddenly you are two people who both fart and have ‘morning breath’. She gets insecure and over-emotional, He forgets what you said five minutes ago – or maybe the other way around. It’s true: relationships are hard work. The thing is, the only reason they are worth it in the end is because of unconditional love, mutual understanding, and working out the kinks.
There are no rich princes ready to save Cinderella, and no fairy godmother either. Anyway Cindy was not poor, she came from a well-to-do family who were invited to the ball! And she was also beautiful. And nice. As for Beauty and the Beast – sorry guys, but smelly beasts simply do not attract fair maidens! Not even ‘unfair’ maidens!
Rule 8: Stop looking so hard!
This should be the first rule! The quickest way to turn people away is to be needy and desperate. People can smell ‘desperation’ a mile away, and they tend to run in the opposite direction! The more desperate you are, the less likely you are to attract somebody you will really like. (Of course you could just attract another desperate person – and that may work for you, but it wouldn’t be the ideal choice, would it? Do you really want to be with somebody just because you are afraid to be on your own? Do you want somebody to be with you for that reason?)
Rule 9: Be available!
This may sound like a contradiction to Rule 8, but it is quite different.
Being ‘available’ means being open to a great relationship and not scared of commitment, or running away in fear for some reason. It means being emotionally available to fall in love. It means being physically available and not tied in to another relationship waiting to meet somebody else before you ‘jump ship’ because you are terrified of being alone. If you are unavailable in some way, you are likely to attract another ‘unavailable’ person.
Rule 10: Be happy on your own (for now).
This is really much like Rule 8. Have a good time while you are still single! Enjoy your life! Happy and fun people are great to be with and other people want to meet them and spend time with them. Go out and have fun with people even if there are no potential ‘mates’ around! You never know!
Many (too many!) years ago, newly single, I went out with two of my girlfriends. I was determined to have a great time, and wasn’t looking for a mate, but I was keen to make friends. That evening I was asked out by not one, but TWO guys. I wasn’t attracted to either of them, but I enjoyed their company and I said ‘yes’ to a date, but made it clear that I wasn’t available for any hanky panky! The result was interesting. One of them cancelled the date (we all know why), and the other became a life-long friend. But, here’s the interesting part – later I met some of his friends…. and yes, I fell madly in love with one of them! My two girlfriends? Well, while I was out having fun they went out together again, and again, and again, hoping to bump into Mr Right. Each time they refused to even consider speaking to anybody who didn’t ‘fit the bill’. They were absolutely gorgeous girls, but they weren’t fun and they were desperate. It wasn’t attractive.
The mind is a wonderful slave, but a terrible master! In order to be the master of our lives and destinies, we must first become master of our own minds!